


Ice in the hand

by starlesssky



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Gen, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-21
Updated: 2016-01-21
Packaged: 2018-05-15 07:09:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,581
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5776285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starlesssky/pseuds/starlesssky
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>That day, Ben Solo saw snow for the first time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ice in the hand

_When ice appears out of doors, and boys seize it up while it is solid, at first they experience new pleasures. But in the end their pride will not agree to let it go, but their acquisition is not good for them if it stays in their hands. In the same way an identical desire drives lovers to act and not to act.  
-Sophocles “Achilles’ Loves”_

*****  
That day, he saw snow for the first time.  
As soon as the door opened, Ben ran out to the snow ground. He has heard about snow, the white flossy things came from the sky. Under the grey thick clouds, snow fell in frakes over him.  
Han Solo smiled, at the door of Millennium Falcon. He asked Chewie to keep in repair their ship, then chased after his son, who ran around the white field. Ben looked up to his father, with bright smile.  
“Dad! This is snow!?”  
“Yes, snow.”  
Ben grabbed the accumulated snow, then threw it upward. He laughed at how it flew in the air, and Han couldn’t help but smile at him.  
“Hey Ben. I have one more thing I want to show you.”  
“One more?”  
He looked at his father with the excited eyes. His father sometimes traveled space with him - not so often, because his mother didn’t like that his son left her for a long time - and whenever his father brought him with them, he showed something special to Ben.  
“Yeah, come on.”  
As Han extended his hand to his son, Ben grabbed his father’s hand. Even though they put gloves on their hands, Ben could feel the warmth and strength of his father’s hand. They walked for a while, then reached a cave. Han turned on a flashlight, and led Ben to enter the cave. Ben felt scared a little, but didn’t say anything. More than anything else, his father was with him, so what he should be afraid of?  
They went forward in the cave. It was colder than outside, and Ben shivered from the cold. Not from being frightened, he told himself.  
And at a certain point, Han stopped and looked above. Ben also looked up, but he couldn’t see anything.  
“Dad, where are we?”  
Han looked down at his son, then smiled.  
“Ben, are you afraid?”  
“No!”  
Ben answerd bravely, even if he certainly worried about what would happen there. Han nodded at his son and turned off the flashlight.  
Ben cringed with fear, fear to darkness. He closed his eyes instinctively and squeezed tighter his father’s hand, and that hand gave his a peace of mind. After a moment, Ben opened his eyes, and looked around timidly, then widened his eyes.  
In his view, many ice crystals shone in the darkness. They were bright like stars, and it felt like he was middle of the space.  
“It’s all ice crystals?”  
“Yes. Only in the depth of this cave, and only without any light, it shines.”  
“Why?”  
“I don’t know… but it’s beautiful, no?”  
Ben looked around again, then looked at his father again.  
“Dad, can you take one, to me?”  
Han shook his head with smile.  
“Ben, I told you it doesn’t shine outside of the cave.”  
“But I want it… only one… I want to show it to mom.”  
Ben looked down and played with the hem of his winter coat. Han shurugged, then walked to the edge which the ice crystals extended. He took a small crystal, then handed it to his son. Ben stared at the small bright thing in his hands, then held it tightly.  
“Now we have to go back… before Chewie decides to abandon us.”  
Of course his longtime friend would never, but Ben smiled and grabbed Han’s hand, holding the ice crystal in the other hand.  
After a while, they went back under the grey clouds. Ben looked at his hand, to check the ice crystal, then screamed.  
“Dad, I lost it!”  
Han looked back at his son, who looked back at him with almost sobbing face, then squatting in front of him.  
“It melted, Ben.”  
“Melted?”  
“Yes, ice crystals can’t bear the heat that living things have. It is the reason why no one takes all of them.”  
“I wanted to show it to mom!”  
He screamed in tears, and Han caressed his son’s face.  
“I know I know, but I’m sure if you tell her how beautiful it was, she will be delighted.”  
Ben was not convinced yet, but one more time he looked at his hand which he held the ice crystal, then nodded at his father. Han smiled and took Ben’s hand in his hand again, deciding not to tell his son that he already have brought his wife here to show it, till they get home.

*****  
Today, he sees snow for the first time, since a long time ago.  
He noticed that snow falls all the time on this planet, but he didn’t care about it, till he turned on his lightsaber in the snowy forest.  
He looks at them, one, a young boy with feared face, the other, a young girl with brave face. She shouts something - like monster? - but he doesn’t care. He has to finish it here. He has to take back that girl, then bring her to his master. When he has done it, finally his master, Supreme Leader Snoke tells him his long training ends, then he becomes strong…  
He doesn’t have time think about it, now. He uses his force, to throw the girl to the tree, just to knock her out. He doesn’t want to fight them two on one himself. He is sure he can manage to fight the boy, even if he wounded deeply, thanks to Chewie’s shot.  
That name, the name of the longtime friend of his father, his now dead father, makes his brain spin. No, this is because of pain, loss of blood, and, anger.  
The boy runs to the girl, who now falls on the snow ground, and he suddenly notices. That boy, that stormtrooper who he saw in the village of Jakku, who helped the Resistance’s pilot to escape, who moved with the droid which has the map of Luke Skywalker and that girl, the girl, who lies on the white field, who told him his own fear without knowing what she was doing, who… he wanted to show his face… to tell he is also a living thing.  
“Traitor!”  
But, who to whom?  
The boy slowly stands up, turns around to him, then, turns on the lightsaber. He knows whose it is. It is the one of Luke Skywalker, the one of Darth Vader… his grandfather, his great grandfather, the one he has to succeed, not his father, his father who fell in the void…  
“It belongs to me!”  
And, what to whom?  
They fight for a while, but he shouldn’t lose. He punches his wound on his side with his fist again and again, to fuel his pain, his anger, to pull out his strength, like a whining child, like a sobbing child…  
Concentrate!  
He looks down at the boy, now falls on the snow ground. It darkens around as the sun shines weaker… and it shines only in the darkness…  
He looks at the lightsaber at a distance, stuck in the snow. He raises up his hand to it, to take it back with his force. He can do it. He can take it on his own. He doesn’t need to ask his father to take it to him any longer.  
…He can’t ask his father to take it for him anymore.  
And it moves. Toward him. But not to him. It flies past him, and he turns around to see the lightsaber, in her hand.  
The girl, the scavenger, the captive, the girl, with strong force, who tried to kill him, who resisted his force, who looked down at him, when he killed his father, that hand, his father’s hand, which caressed his face, that warm and strong hand, he was not afraid, he didn’t have to, with that hand, there was nothing he had to afraid of, of the stormy night on Millennium Falcon, of the escape from brutal space pirates… even of the darkness.  
He walks toward her. He has to finish it, now and here. To be stronger. Stronger than Darth Vader.  
Stronger than his father.

*****  
He looks up to the sky. Now the sun died. But the Resistance destroyed the StarKiller Base. Now this fight ended… with the Resistance’s victory. This planet will explode in a little while. This small planet can’t store the sun power. This planet will explode… he pointed at one bright star in the sky… It is a supernova… Supernova? When a star ends its life, it explodes… and shines brightly… and scatters many things… and it gathers again… to be a new star… and while it has repeated and repeated and repeated again… we, all of the living things in the space were born… We were all born from stars, Ben. I was born from my mom! Oh, yes you were, but your mother were born from stars! My mom was born from my granma! And your granma was born from stars! Don’t kid me, Dad!  
The footsteps on the soft snow come toward him. The members of the First Order, he knows. He raises his hand toward the sky. A snow flake falls on his hand, and even through the glove, it melts.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm also on my tumblr http://like-ice-in-the-hands.tumblr.com/


End file.
